Mom, There's a Man in the Chimney

I am not sure about Santa. I know, of course, that he is not real.  That there is no jolly fat old man with a snow white beard (of whatever ethnicity) that lives in the North Pole and makes toys (...the same ones in the stores, mind you) and has a set of magical reindeer. Yes, I know that much.  I also know that the spirit of Santa has and will persist at Christmas.  That the notion of magic during this holiday season can be very real and beautiful.  It becomes a tangible joy that people just can't seem to carry throughout the rest of the year, and that, my friends, is magic.  These are the things I'm sure of.

What I am unsure of is me and Santa.  Our story.  I can't pinpoint where it begins or where it ends.  While it's perfectly reasonable to lose sight of the spark of belief, I've found it's a little less than regular to lose the end of it.  To forget the moment it all unraveled and I discovered the myth.  But that is exactly where I stand.

The more I thought about it, the more concerned I became.  It's bigger than when I stopped believing.  It's the whole Santa story.  Because, to be honest, I don't really remember any of it.  I know for sure I was never interested in staying up to try to see Santa.  I don't remember the anticipation or excitement of waiting to see what Santa would bring.  No wonder of the unbelievable happenings up there at the North Pole.

I'd like to chalk up this hole in my memory as just that.  A gap, just another lost recollection from childhood.  A minor concern as memories go; I find it much more distressing when I can't recall where I placed my keys.  But there is this nagging feeling inside that the unbelievable was always just that.  A bit too unbelievable for me.

I'm sure I had some belief at some point, but what I'm not sure of is if I ever wholeheartedly believed like the other children did.  That the idea of Santa may have always seemed too amazing for my straight and narrow mind to fully accept.  I have always been a girl who could imagine amazing things, but believing in such things is outside my realm of experience.  I believed in Santa because my sister (let's call her Ani -- cause I like it and I'm pretty sure she doesn't) believed.  I'd wager a bet that soon after she found out the truth, I stopped believing too.

I can't imagine at any point in my childhood if an old man had appeared coming out of the chimney that I would have been anything less than terrified. Alarm bells ringing in my head and the immediate need to get parental assistance. Bag of toys can wait until I see some ID.  I can't imagine catching sight of reindeer flying overhead and trying to land on the rooftop being anything less than horrifying.  Reindeer are very large animals and roofs really aren't made to hold that kind of weight.  Plus they've got to poop at some point during that all-night flight.  (Makes that whole vision of reindeer flying overhead you've been holding onto since childhood change drastically, doesn't it...)

But contemplating all this, wrestling to reason out the Santa-sized gap in my mind left me feeling a bit empty.  If there was ever a kid that needed a bit of wonder, or at least an adult that needs to remember that feeling of wonder, it's this one.  To believe and be enraptured by something amazing and uncommon and joyful and magical.  In my memory, my childhood sits as simple phase of life.  A filler before real life began.  A quiet, boring space rather than a time of adventure and wonder and fearlessness.

And now... Now, I want my wonder.  I want to believe in the man in the chimney.  Or at least remember a time that I did.

The Morning Ritual

Yeah, it's been awhile.

Moving right along.

It's always nice to find a concept that fits something in your life so well. I've found myself struggling over the past few weeks (er, months..) to regain some control over my day. Trying to find a way to accomplish all that I want to and end each day feeling a bit less like something like a failure. Then it happened last night.  I was writing (make that the dreaded editing) in the living room and idly noticing some random interview on O's Super Soul Sunday that my roommate (we'll refer to her as Fergie from here on out) was watching.  At the end of the interview, and I guess this is typical for the show, some sort of mini-segment came on all about morning rituals.

Talk about a light bulb. Okay, I know it's not a novel concept, or even a uncommon idea. But that makes it no less of a light bulb to me. Because it was exactly what I had been searching for.  And naming it seems to have made a world of difference. A simple list of things to do every morning. Focal points, dare I say.

Just the idea of the morning ritual soothes me and that seems to be the first step towards feeling back in control.  I am fully aware and accepting of my need for control.  And feeling so not-in-control of my ability to accomplish during the day has slowly been driving me insane. The morning ritual can be the pattern that sets my day off in the right direction. A set of actions, activities, and nourishment that puts me on a productive path for the rest of the day. No longer walking out the door (or heading to the couch) for work and feeling like I've already wasted an hour or more of my day.

So honing in my morning ritual is my task for the week.  I specifically refrained from saying "perfecting", because that's an overly ambitious, impossible goal.  I think it's important to paraphrase Fergie's wisdom from last night here: the morning ritual will and should change as often as you want or need it too.  There's no hard and fast line.  I'm searching for the pattern that serves me best right now. That may change when the season changes, if my job or work schedule changes, as my fitness level changes, etc.  Flexibility, my dear folks.

And last night I focused on, what I think, is an integral part of the morning ritual: the nighttime ritual. Because it seems important. Reflecting on the day, which gives a moment to appreciate as well as monitor the success of the morning ritual.  Making the necessary preparations to make the morning ritual work smoothly.  And hopefully settling into a nighttime pattern that facilitates more sound sleep.  A full night's rest certainly seems essential for the success of the morning ritual.

The morning ritual.  Like a child, I crave the structure.  The morning pattern and the nighttime pattern, serving as bookends to the daily rhythm of my life.

Superid

Let's start with the Id. Freud used the term to describe our instinctual self. The part of us that is before we're even born. Its the thing that reminds us to breath and blink. Its the thing that makes our stomachs growl and our throats parched.

Freud believed that as we mature, the Id is always there but the Ego and Superego develop and overtake the Id. Freud, we must agree to disagree.

I propose the Superid and declare that it becomes the controlling component of our psyche as we get older. As adults, we are not controlled by the strictures and expectations of society. We are victims of our own needs. The Superego is there, but we dismiss for the Superid.

The inherent need to eat drives us to work jobs we hate or participate in illegal and life-threatening activities. The need to feel loved outweighs our common sense everytime. We stay abusive relationships. We get disrespected. And we stay. The sexual drive overpowers our morals. Fear prevents us from living to our fullest and achieving destinies. These rational responses. They are the most primal of emotions. The ones we are born with and only in our best moments do we shed.

Obstacle Course Driving

Forget the orange cones. Forget the driver's ed car. Forget parking lot challenges. The true obstacle course is on the nearest roadway.

There is a lever on your car, near the steering wheel, that moves up and down. When you move it up, an arrow flashes in your left rear light indicating you want to turn left. When you move it down, an arrow flashes in your right rear light.. You get the idea. Instead of stopping in the middle of the road then signaling your intent, you should use that lever 20 seconds earlier.

On every road (or at least most) there are lines. White or yellow. Dashed or solid. Regardless of their appearance, think of the lines as walls. You must keep your vehicle within the walls. C'mon, if the fastest people in the world can run full speed inside lines less than a foot wide, you can handle your car.

I know there is a speed limit. I know that exceeding that limit by say 20 mph is potentially dangerous. However being 20 mph below that limit can be equally dangerous. Remember to be safe and always drive at about the same speed as everyone else. If all the cars are passing you by, maybe you should pull over and regroup.

Now for all my drivers out there, let's take a moment to bond. At least 78% of women can't drive. At least 87% of people above the age of 60 can't drive. We know its true. I mean they can pass the driving test, but they consistently get too close to the curb. Nearly kill pedestrians on a daily basis. Honk at good drivers. Brake as they approach green lights. And remain happily oblivious. For all of us cognzant of this nightmare, if you are a passenger in such a vehicle, I suggest you buckle up, find your happy place, and pray.

Just take every obstacle course experience as a test of your reflexes and an opportunity to hone your superior skills on the road.

I Wonder As I Wander

I don't believe in true romantic love enough to fight for it.

I don't know how to network.

I don't feel passion.

I don't believe in following my gut.

I don't take chances.

I don't know how to want to be more.

I don't ask for or pray for help.

I drift through life in a dusty haze with no hope of emerging.

Brave New World

This year a black man will lead a country where 50 years he may have been lynched or persecuted for trying to vote.

This year antenna television will cease to exist after decades of entertaining viewers.

This year we are in a lasting recession for the first time in 20 years. For all of those under the age of 45, it will be our first in our lifetime.

And here we enter our brave new world. It is not nearly the censored existence Huxley envisioned, but are entering into a time where many of the things we know to be true will change. We will have to reassess our ideals, alter our lifestyles, and open our minds. Otherwise we will fail to adapt, understand and embrace. We will fall short of new potential and expectations.

I name momentous and highly affecting changes for 2009 but as many can attest so many things will change individually. This will be first full year in the working world, my first year as an attorney. And change is scary and exciting all at once. It's my nature to push back against change, to rebel. But this year I won't. I will accept. I will challenge myself. I will change and let change. I am brave in this new world.

Resolved

Welcome to 2009. As is the tradition, I have made several New Year resolutions. These resolutions vary but I discovered an overarching resolution that sums up all the others: I will have higher expectations of myself.

For those still confused let me make this clear.

That means I will be more proactive in my employment search. August will be here before I know it and unless I want to end up at KFC, I must do better.

That means I will be more responsible with my money. I will remember that we are in a recession and save more. I will set limits for myself and actually keep them.

That means I will have or attempt to have an adult relationship. I will work on communicating instead of overthinking. I will work on sharing instead of internalizing.

Which all means I will focus on my future instead of just the present.

Welcome 2009! We both have a lot to live up to for the next 365 days...