Solamen miseris socios habuisse doloris

Said twice too many times yesterday and I began to wonder if it’s true, if that’s really how I feel: Misery Loves Company.  Granted it was said both times in an attempt to elicit wry amusement.  Granted maybe the phrase was stuck in my head the second time around.  Granted I said it to show what a clever girl I am.

Clever indeed.  So clever as to leave myself pondering the phrase and my intent the rest of the day. 

It’s an ugly truth, but one I suspect I am not alone in.  I do in fact take comfort in company in my misery.  Not an actual, physical presence.  Which occurs to me to be backwards.  That a hand or a hug or even a kind smile should afford me some comfort on my lowest days.  But it does not.  The comfort in company I take is the Soul caught with the same issue or situation that I am.  To know that, even if only one, someone else understands.  Some other person knows this same struggle I’m facing. 

Yet two questions kept my mind abuzz yesterday.  Am I miserable?  And, if so, I am trying to drag the people I know with me?  My immediate response was “maybe” and a vehement, outraged “no”.  But time passed and that response changed to “sometimes” and “maybe”.  The former was refreshing; sometimes seems reasonable and a little thought gave me certainty that my miserable moments have been on a steady decline for awhile now. 

But the latter gave me pause.  Because it’s one thing to discover a kindred spirit, to find a person that happens to share a struggle, to hear a person voice a frustration I am so familiar with.  And it’s another entirely to create or awaken or remind another’s misery.  I find myself whining and sharing my over-contemplation far too often lately.  And in the moment, I just focus on the urge to vent, the want for a witness.  But the emotions ease and I become concerned that I am, in fact, pulling someone else into my gray.

Go ahead and judge me for it.  You can’t be any harder on self than I am.  I know that it’s an undesirable character trait.  But I also know that it’s a human desire I refuse to be ashamed of.  It’s a survivor’s instinct; an emotional safeguard.  But I am not a man drowning, not any longer.  So while I can accept that natural instinct to seek company in the misery moments, I can also push back against it.  In fact, I think by accepting it, by recognizing it for what it is, I am all the more capable to catch and release the act before it actually happens. 

Because, yes, misery loves company.  And if we happen upon some in our dark days or moments, we should marvel and accept and find comfort.  But misery should not create company to console itself.  If anything, misery should seek the people or the words or the music or whatever rescue it can find that creates a little hope. 

And because I can’t let the moment pass without a little information… A 14^th century Italian historian, Dominici de Gravina, first gave us the sentiment: “It is a comfort to the unfortunate to have had companions in woe”.  And John Ray coined the actual phrase.  But Christopher Marlowe used the sentiment best in Doctor Faustus, the story of a man that sells his soul to the devil for money and power.  (No you won’t get any spoilers from me; I believe in reading.) 

Monday Morning

Today is not Friday.  Get over it already. 

I will not tell a lie: I enjoy Friday just as much as everyone else.  The lead off to the weekend.  The precursor to two whole days of not working and getting to use all of my time as I see fit.  It’s like a mini-retirement every week.  Not to mention, the weekend is when everyone else decides to have fun.  Parties and brunches and play dates and shopping trips.  And so on and so forth.

But don’t be mistaken as I wax on about the weekend.  I love my Mondays too. 

You can think of it as a compare/contrast thing.  Without that feeling of drudgery that often accompanies Monday, without facing five days of work, would the joy of the weekend be as great?  Or you can think of it as the first day of a fresh week, a day to start anew on that diet you've been meaning to start or to begin curb that bad habit you've been to kick in the butt.  Who needs to wait for the New Year when you have Mondays?

I like to think of it for what it is.  I’m no mathematician or statistician or the like, but even I can gleam that if I spend Monday through Thursday wishing for Friday, I’ll spend more than half my life wishing the day away.  My day.  Living for the weekend, instead of living for the moment.  Waiting so impatiently and focused for Friday that any delight during the week falls short. 

So if you’re dreading this Monday morning, think of the alternative.  Wake up and rejoice and carpe diem. 

What To Expect

You know I loathe expectations, right?

Time has exposed them to be set-ups for disappointment. Punishments for self, usually for the less than ideal actions of others. An insanity to inflict upon self. So what do I do but create a wildly lofty set of goals for 2014... 

I'll say it again. I loathe expectations. My intent is always to keep them low, so the good things seem great and the bad things are unsurprising. It's my brain in constant defensive mode, loving and protecting my little heart so vigilantly. 

But here's the key, folks. This set of expectations, goals, resolutions if you must, are solely within my own power. Barring some great shift of the world as I know it, accomplishing them requires little to no assistance. 

Don't get me wrong. I'd love my friends to support and help me, and I am quite sure that they will. But, save one goal, I don't need them. And this is the fact that makes me sure of myself. That I will accomplish the goals set and, dare I say it, exceed a few. 

Speaking of exceeding. I have a suspicion there are a few folks out there with few, or many, doubts as to my ability to accomplish these goals. Out of no malicious intent, just intelligent, healthy, good old American skepticism. If I were on the outside looking in, I would probably be skeptical too. But I'm not and I look forward to exceeding their expectations as well. 

I know where we are. The second day of a new year and it's easy to remain focused and goal-oriented. I'm no fool; I know it will be hard. But I have a secret weapon to success. The goals I have set aren't just some temporary 2014 resolutions. These are the things I want in the rhythm of my life. Habits and practices that will fully incorporate into my day-to-day and will maintain for the foreseeable future. Setting the high goals is just my way of giving myself a kickstart. 

This year, these goals, are about shaping me more into the person I want to be. More accurately, making the outer me, the perception I give off, match the inner me. And maybe this year will have the added benefit of stopping me from being my biggest critic and turn me into my own cheerleader instead. 

I'm ready. Are you?